I’m grouchy in general (I have to face it, I am a moody bitch), but I am in a really really good mood today. I can’t post the reason why yet (I don’t believe for one minute that real life people read this, but from past experience, I’ve learned to be careful), but it means that a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. So I feel good today. The Labour party conference is in the city centre at the moment, which is making life slightly more interesting. The police prescence is a complete over reaction (walking home at 10:30pm on a Monday, the streets were saturated with policemen and big barriers) , but I suppose they all want to feel secure. I’ve just heard some snippets of the Prime Minister’s speech on the news and I can’t say I’m too impressed. I haven’t heard it in its entirety, but it sounded really generic. Lots of ‘Let’s make Britain great!’, ‘We’re building a fair society’ and lots of other rousing soundbites, but it lacks sincerity, honesty and more importantly, specifics! How exactly are you going to make Britain great? How is a fair society to be built? Are you going to give any details? No? Everyone just going to buy it? Really? Sigh. The state of the current economy is something that Gordon Brown could not forsee, but dear God, he is not handling it well. I personally have a bone to pick with him over this 10p tax rate debacle, but then most of the country does too. What a douchebag. It doesn’t help that he’s so bloody depressed all the time. He’s only got one facial expression, and everything on his face is pointing downwards. Tony Blair may have been just as insincere, but at least he sugar coated it with a cheesy grin. Hmmm, maybe misery is preferable. Either way, I think Gordon Brown needs to become more relatable. You don’t feel like you could have a conversation with him at all - he looks like is quite guarded and over thinks everything, which are not necessarily bad qualities, but just don’t make you likeable to the general public. This country is just shocking - I fully intend to emigrate when I’m older - or when Chris has graduated. I’ll be 28 then. Twenty-fucking-eight. I’m starting to worry whether that is too late to be thinking about it, or maybe not. Maybe I can just save until then, so then when I’m older I can actually afford to move out of this country, which, apart from the excellent and much belied NHS, does nothing for the people in it.
I have had this awful depression hanging over me all week - it’s been nearly two now. But I laughed this evening and actually meant it, so hopefully I’m breaking out of the fog that’s been hanging around my head all week. I feel like interaction has been incredibly laboured and forced, but now I’m feeling almost back to my normal self. I don’t know how I’ve been feeling over the past couple of weeks - almost numb is probably a good description. Or empty. Almost like I’ve been unable to get excited or enthusiastic about anything at all. Very strange. I think going to visit Rae helped. So I’m going again this Friday, she has recently purchased rock band, so I am warming my vocal chords up in preparation. Oh yes, I sing. Often and loudly.
It was put to me the other day that I have not updated here in a while. And it has been months, and an action packed couple of months they have been. Well, the big move came and went, with success. So far, I haven’t lost/broke/stood on anything vitally important, so that’s a success in my book. All of my things arrived in one piece, which is really miraculous, if you know me, you’ll know why.
My new flatmates are exceptionally cool - having knowledge of my particular brand of geek already, so I’ve no need to pretend to be remotely normal, which is a huge relief. Rachel and I already have an uncanny ability to both be reading the same book at the same time without prior discussion. This has happened twice now - with the High Lord the first day we met, and now the Twilight Series, which we’ve jumped on the bandwagon of pretty late, but apparently at exactly the same time. This has led to lots of book related conversations, which are my favourite kind. We’ve also confirmed what Rae and I had decided a while ago - that our inclination to read as much as we do has made us more empathetic and sensitive human beings. I cry at everything. EVERYTHING. And I’m pretty sure that this is because my automatic response to every situation is to put myself in someone else’s shoes, just like you do when you’re reading a novel. I’ve been particularly sensitive this week and I’ve cried at the drop of a hat. I’m almost certain that this is the fault of the Twilight series, which I’ve been devouring at break neck speed. It’s written in the first person, so the emotions are that much more acute - and I’m so affected by them that the emotions can carry through into my everyday life and taint the world around me. I really should counter act this by reading a comedy, but truth be told, I actually enjoy being absorbed in fiction - because as usual, it’s so much better than real life right now. This week especially, I’ve felt that something has been missing..I think it’s just one of those times where I’ve been reflecting and contemplating. I want to just go to bed and immerse myself in my old TV programmes and music that I used at school when my life was actually truly terrible - hence my current attachment to old Backstreet Boys albums at the moment. Of course, I know what this means, if I’m trying to hide and absorb myself in this stuff, it means that I’m running away from stuff that’s happening now. Life has been making me weary at the moment - the constant struggle of trying to do something and being rejected I think is taking it’s toll on me. The whole uncertainty aspect also adds a lot of stress. I can’t be more explicit about it at the moment. Anyway, long story short, I’m feeling weird at the moment.
I may also be on a come down from being in Mallorca. Yes, I actually got to leave and go on holiday. I’m now cream, instead of white. Wow!! Chris and I went to Mallorca and had a great time! I got to escape for a week - your problems go with you of course, but they’re much easier to forget when you’re so far away. Chris and I celebrated our one year anniversary on the 1st September (also his birthday) - so that’s a big raspberry in the face of people who wanted us to break up :-)
This was just supposed to be a general hello, but I feel like I’ve offloaded!! Much cheaper than therapy anyway. Will try to be back sooner.
Well, the big move happens this weekend. This is the last day that I have to commute to town and I am utterly thriled about the prospect of getting up and strolling to work. I have a lot to do tonight and tomorrow, but I’m confident that we’ll get it all done in time. Chris is staying over and helping me - he really is a good boyfriend and I’m incredibly grateful for him at the moment, for I have needed an unusual amount of hugs recently.
I’ve been assessing a lot in my life, as you do when you move I suppose - chucking things out makes you think about what in life needs sorting out. Anyway, my career, or lack thereof has been on my mind a lot recently, especially as my move means that I’m paying more, and the current state of the economy is so bad that I can’t afford to do anything at the moment. I’ve been refused credit, and I’m not really sure why. I have a good credit rating, I’ve never missed a payment on anything, ever and I’m not asking for what I can’t afford to pay back. I suppose the reluctance to lend anyone any money is the explanation - I’ve ordered a copy of my credit report anyway just to check that there’s no problems.
I’ve also decided to learn to audio type proficiently. I am currently bidding for a transcription set on ebay. I am an administrator and the next step up on the career ladder (and that has the most money in it) is secretarial work - namely legal or medical. I need more money. It’s as simple as that. There’s next to no chance that I’ll get a payrise here so my only option is to try and improve my skills in order to get a better paid job. So that’s the plan at the moment. I can already copy type to quite a high speed so I just need to learn to audio type. I really want to take the RSA Level 2 course, which is the recognised qualification - but it costs £450. So I’ll have to teach myself and then try and blag interviews. Sigh. Or work could just give me a rise, but I reallllly dont think that’s ever going to happen.
It’s all been about earning as much money as possible recently - I’ve been filling in online surveys, mystery shopping and making phone calls. Anything that tells me I can make money, I do it (within reason).
I’ve gained more weight, but it’s all my fault for cramming fatty foods into my face and not burning it off. I have noone to blame but myself. After the move, I’m going to have tw extra hours a day where I’m not going to be sat on a bus, so I’m going to use them to get on the Wii Fit and get running. If you do it, while watching TV, you really don’t notice that you’ve been running for half an hour.
Occasionally, I have had spots of excema come up that stay for about a week and go away again. So I wasn’t worried when I got one on my arm. I got slightly peturbed when I got three on my stomach, but this week when my stomach got covered in it and it’s all over my chest, thighs and even neck, I’m a little worried. I’ve got some steroid cream in the house that I’ve been putting on it, which makes them go away, but for the one that I get rid of, three crop up in other places. It’s well known that excema is a sign of stress and it could be something to do with the hayfever I’ve been getting recently, so I’m not terrified, but it’s just symptomatic of what my body has been through recently.
In March, I had to go to hospital after collapsing and had to take a week off work to recover - I tried to tell as little people as possible, but when Chris rang in to his work to tell them he wasn’t coming in, his boss decided to tell Chris’ workmates that I was in hospital, so soon all of his friends, and through them, mine, then knew I was in hospital. I was so pissed off and I didnt want to discuss it so having to be bedridden for a week also having to make up a story for why was just really stressful. I think I coped with it really well at the time, but with everything else I’m getting stressed about at the moment (my dad’s health, my dad’s financial situation, money, moving house, not getting any job satisfaction), I think my body is just rebelling and telling me its pissed off. Chris thinks it’s down to stress - I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself to lose weight at the moment and I’m on the Wii Fit every day. I get really upset when I don’t lose weight - this week I’ve actually gained weight and I’ve been dieting and exercising! I don’t understand it at all. I feel like I really need a holiday. I just feel really rundown and exhausted at the moment.
I’m worried about the knock on effect that this will have on my relationship with Chris - no money means I can’t go out. Which means we stay in at the weekend. Which means that I worry that he’s bored and we snipe at eachother a bit. I’m sure this is just a rough patch in my life that I need to work through, but I really feel bogged down by everything, and by most people around me. I’m losing enthusiasm for things that would usually excite me; I’m glad that I’m moving somewhere new soon with new people - it may give my life that level of variety that it’s lacking at the moment.
My life is currently very busy. I handed in one months notice at the flat, which means it all has to be spick and span for a month (and we have to finish painting the living room and pack up all my crap). I then have to organise a move - again. Aargh!
My dad (who is only in temporary work at the moment) has broken his finger, which means he can’t work to his full capacity, which means he’s had to lend money from myself and my sister. It was only £50, but it was £50 I couldn’t afford if I’m honest. I’m having severe financial issues at the moment. The new flat is going to cost me more money per month than where I am now - my sister has to lend me the £300 deposit for my new place, which I have to find to give her back - I also have to save up some spending money for my holiday in august and £250 for a laptop that I’m buying from Rae’s dad. This, teamed with my £2000 student overdraft and near £4000 in credit cards is making me a little financially worried. With the economy the way it is at the moment, prices of food, bills and services are going up - but my wages are not.
I’m thinking I might need to get a second job - which would really suck. I feel like I spend enough time working during the week - but I suppose if I did a couple of evenings per week somewhere it wouldn’t be too bad? I dont know, but I do need the money from somewhere. I’m selling quite a lot of stuff on ebay before I move, which hopefully will sort me out with some cash at least, to tide me over this difficult next month. I need to do something, because I literally have to count every pound at the moment.
I probably need to start thinking about changing my job - because I’m fairly sure there is no chance of me getting a pay rise here - even to match inflation. Technically, I can afford less than I could a year ago, which just sucks an inordinate amount of arse.
Sigh.
FINALLY things in my life actually seem to be going in a general upwards trend.
I currently live with my sister in a flat that I like very much - but she’s moving out this summer to live with her boyfriend. Which didn’t leave me with very many options. I can’t afford a place by myself, which left me between a rock and a hard place, as I would have to either find someone to move into my flat, or I would need to move out. If you know me, you will know this is a total nightmare as I hate people. I really do. Certain persons, I like, but they are few and far between. I am indifferent to most people but I think it’s definitely true that I dislike more people than I have friends. But I dont think this is necessarily a bad thing - I’m just discriminate about who I choose to be around me, that’s all! 
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not unfriendly or rude. I just don’t make lots of friends.
Anyway, I’m coming to my point eventually. I spoke to my friend Dave, who originally said he would move in with me this summer. But he warned me that he might not be able to afford it yet this year (he still lives at home), which has unfortunately turned out to be the case.
So, I was actually pro-active. Me. I didn’t whine at all - that isn’t like me at all. I think I might be finally growing up. I answered a few ads and went to see one flat in the city centre that had a spare room. It was perfect for me. Rachel, the girl who lives there, told me that she has had about 30 applicants, but because we got on so well (I was there chatting for nearly 3 hours) she offered me the place while I was there. I was so happy to have found someone I actually get on with - which is a pretty big deal for me. I thought I was bound to hate everyone. She’s really similar to me and shares the same disdain for the general public as I do! I really can’t believe it and can’t wait to move in! She was even reading the same book tht I had just finished the day before. If that isn’t an omen I dont know what is! lol
YAY!
Well, I’ve had an eventful week!Firstly, Rae and I went to Liverpool for the Backstreet Boys concert - and it was ace! We had the best kick ass seats ever! I went all fangirl and mushy and had a good time. Then went home the next day and listened to Metallica to regain my perspective lol. Seriously though, i totally loved it.I’ve been staying with Chris all week because my sister has been in Benidorm and I am much too frightened to stay at home by myself. I feel like I’ve got on his nerves a bit because I’ve been a bit moody this week (totm and all that) so I’m kind of glad I’m not seeing him till Thursday now - no opportunity to piss him off!! I feel a bit guilty about it so I’ve ordered him a Wii game as a present - I hope he likes it! He bought me Gordon Ramsays new book this week as a gift-for-no-reason. And he hoovered my entire house pretty much. I dont show him I appreciate him enough and I want to do something about it before he feels unloved.I’ve managed after daaaays and days of trying to be on amazon for the 30 mins they had a Wii Fit in stock today, so I’ve got one ordered! I shouldnt really get it as I cant really afford it, but I’m just going to have to find the money from somewhere - I really have very little self control. I’ve got my student overdraft and 2 credit cards that I’ve caned to pay back and holiday spending money to save for and a holiday wardrobe to buy. Oops. Probably not the best time to be spending £70 on something I dont strictly need, but I’ll pay it back next month…..maybe. Hopefully it will aid me in my weight loss mission, in which case it will be worth it!
I am in such an excellent mood, though I have no idea why! I’ve been ultra efficient and friendly at work- I had an excellent night last with Chris - nothing in particular actually happened - but it was the first time that I’ve properly relaxed into thinking that he actually loves me, without any niggling doubts in the back of my head. And we’ve booked a holiday and I seem to have reached some kind of personal milestone, so I’m good today.
I’ve been reading with vague interest the troubles America’s new tween ho-bag, Miley Cyrus and her inappropriate photoshoot - I think her parents have been a bit stupid here - she’s wrapped up in a satin sheet on a bed - what did they think it was going to look like? Totally inappropriate for a 15 year old - in any case I’m in such a good mood that I thought I’d see what the fuss was about and listened to one of her songs, ‘See You Again’. I have to say, it’s a tune. I’m probably going to download it tonight - I was never into these tweeny songs when I was a teenager (too busy painting my lips black and listening to copious amounts of death metal) so I’m regressing somewhat. I’ve got tickets to see Backstreet Boys next month too and I literally can’t wait. My music tastes really are eclectic.
Yeah, I’m 23, I don’t care. You can’t beat a good bit of cheesy pop sometimes, especially when you’re in such a bloody good mood!
Finally! The weekend is here. I’m staying at my boyfriend’s this weekend. I live in Manchester and he lives in Liverpool for university so we travel often to see eachother. I dont think of it even as a long distance relationship, as we see each other about 3/4 times per week. He is one happy point in my life - he’s extremely thoughtful and caring and he also makes me laugh, which as all girls know is vital!! He’s out at the moment playing rugby with his mates, so I’m left to play Theme Hospital, which has been a constant PC friend for years!!
Anyway, my real reason for writing was talk about dieting. I’ve gained a stone since I started going out with Chris back in August. I really want to lose it because we’ve booked a holiday to Spain this summer! I honestly couldn’t be more excited because I have only been abroad once in my life before and that was 8 years ago! When I say I need a holiday I really mean it!! We’ve managed to get accomodation, breakfast, flights and transfers for under £500 at the August bank holiday for a week - God knows what the hotel is going to be like, but frankly, I couldnt care less! I’m going to have sun, sea and sand! And it’ll be our year anniversary and his birthday while we’re there, so it’ll be super special!
Anyway, I really hate exercise. Really. Other than cycling (which would mean me buying a bike) and tennis (which would involve me buying a racket) I really despise sport. Which means sporadic bouts of aerobics and even more sporadic bouts of dieting. I am not a dieter. I’m not fat either, thankfully. I’m a size 12 (UK) , which isn’t big at all and I have great boobs, but I’ve lost my flat stomach, due to nights sat in watching family guy with a packet of oreos or two. Damn those chocolatey biscuits with their gorgeously sugary fillings! Also, working in an office with no means of making food means that I have to buy lunch food, which is often high in fat and salt, and also expensive!
As I’m seriously pinching those pennies at the moment, I’ve come up with a new idea - homemade soup! I dont know why I didnt thnk of it before. For a start, cooking is my favourite pastime, bar none. I absolutely adore it and am pretty good at it (which would also help to explain my weight gain) - this week I’ve made mushroom soup, butternut squash soup, leek and potato soup and pea soup and they were all gorgeous, even if I do say so myself. If I take in one flask of soup in per day and have one bowl of cereal for breakfast, and a normal tea, I reckon that’s quite a good low cal diet, without getting obsessive. I dont want to be one of those women who checks the calories on everything and is scared of dairy products. I appreciate cheese too much for that. So, it starts here, here’s hoping I lose some weight before my birthday (15th August!)
This picture made me snort coke through my nose. The Liquid kind.
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